


The Five Stages of Grief (over the loss of sanity)

by mira_las_estrellas



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Coming out... in a closet, Crack, Five Stages of Grief, Fluff, He's actually an asshole, I just wanted to use this tag, Kinda, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Good Friend, M/M, Matchmaker Kuroo Tetsurou, Mutual Pining, NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT IS AN ACTUAL TAG, Not explicitly said but pansexual Yaku Morisuke, Pansexual Haiba Lev, Rooftops are Romantic, Shameless cliché exploitation, Trapped In A Closet, a lot of it, i love suffering, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-15 14:21:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13615185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mira_las_estrellas/pseuds/mira_las_estrellas
Summary: Yaku doesn't have a crush on the new kid. He just has a pretty smile and Yaku might be a tad queer, but that doesn't mean-Yeah, he might have a crush on the new kid.





	The Five Stages of Grief (over the loss of sanity)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lovelywaterbuffaloes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelywaterbuffaloes/gifts).



> I was supposed to write this as a Secret Santa gift... for last year's Christmas, that is. Oops. Procrastination, much? Anyway, this was my very first shippy fanfic, now revised and made a bit more decent but largely kept as-was. Enjoy these Tokyo dorks whom I love too much.
> 
> Minor warning: this could be considered underage, as Yaku is 18 and Lev is 15. I didn't tag it as such for three simple reasons: there is no actual sexual activity involved - or even dating. Just dorks pining and talking - Yaku is still a minor in Japan (where age of legal adulthood is 20), and both are of age of consent (in Japan, 13). Anyway, your warning has been issued.

** Stage 1 - Denial: **

The first time Yaku realized he liked the new boy had been on the rooftop.

Honestly, Yaku should’ve avoided the rooftop. All shoujos had romantic scenes in a rooftop, and Yaku definitely did not know that thanks to an extensive shoujo collection. Rooftops, particularly school rooftops, were one of the most romantic places, or more exactly, one of the places that posed the greatest danger of romantic situations, and friends you habitually met in a rooftop could become your future lover.  

Then again, he couldn’t really have realized what he was getting into when he simply agreed to lunch with the rest of the team on the rooftop. He certainly didn’t expect to realize certain feelings of maybe-more-than-friendship while surrounded by aforementioned cackling teammates and being pressed into the ground by the object of his affection, who laughed with what Yaku realized must’ve been the loveliest chuckle he had ever heard.

He also did not quite expect said object of his affection to be Haiba Lev, but life had apparently decided to surprise him that particular day.

“Lev, leave your senpai alone!” Taketora’s jesting voice came from somewhere, somewhere Yaku couldn’t see because his entire field of vision was currently occupied by the Russian kid. “Yaku is too old and frail, you have to be kind to your elders.”

Snapping out of his daze, Yaku growled at the grinning idiots and attempted to push Lev off of him, to little avail. The younger boy just laughed again, azure eyes shining with amusement. 

“Give up yet, senpai?” he asked, and Yaku realized that his grin was definitely not beautiful, and he should’ve probably described as shit-eating instead (but for some reason his heart beat even more, and it kind of hurt a little).

With a scowl, and hoping that the warmth that rushed in his cheeks at the sound of the other’s voice was only his impression and he was not actually honest-to-God  _ blushing _ in front of everyone, Yaku pushed the younger off and scrambled to his feet, brushing nonexistent dust off his clothes.

“I still think that Lev is stronger,” Taketora shouted, raising his chopsticks to point at the white-haired boy. Lev grinned, agreeing loudly and with way too much enthusiasm, and went on a tangent about how he had let Yaku win -  _ right. _

The libero, though, was too busy staring at his underclassman, and the way his white strands fell over his face as he bragged.

“Yaku? Oi, Yaku!”

Yaku snapped back to the real world, a bit of rice he hadn’t even realized he had scooped up falling in his lap.

“Hey, pay attention when we’re discussing the game! What do you say, should we also come Sunday to practice, or are you going to keep staring at the kids like a creep until then?” Kuroo grinned, poking Yaku with his chopsticks.

Irritating asshole.

“Sunday is fine.” he mumbled, picking up another clump of rice and chewing without paying much attention to the taste.Of course,  _ of course _ , the absolutely meaningless image of white grains sticking to Lev’s cheeks as he grinned in victory assaulted his mind for a very brief second, before he shook them away.

It was just too much sun and too many comics. He was  _ not  _ having a crush on Haiba Lev.

* * *

** Stage 2 - Anger: **

The next time the protagonist’s love interest confessed his love on the rooftop, Yaku flung the comic across the classroom. It took almost two minutes to get the warmth to leave his cheeks at the memory of a certain grinning face above his, and the two of them in the same situation.

Maybe he could've asked Lev out. Maybe he would’ve made the younger boy smile. He could’ve been the reason of those blue eyes sparkling with delight. Except that wouldn’t happen, because Lev was a kid, and an annoying one at that, and probably straight, and Yaku was a boy and too old for him and also definitely not interested that way.

The door bursting open shook him off his thoughts, and Yaku jumped at least a foot in the air, ears burning. If it weren’t for Nobuyuki, who had just appeared, he would’ve slapped himself for his indecency.

The vice captain did nothing but raise an eyebrow. “Training is in ten minutes.” he reminded, as calm as always. It took Yaku a while to realize he couldn’t have possibly known just what he had been thinking of.

Trying to mask his sigh of relief as one of tiredness, he waved his hand in the other’s general direction, going to pick his mistreated manga from the floor.

“I know, I know, coming.”

“Hurry up.” Kai called one last time, before leaving him alone again..

The moment the door shut closed, Yaku let his shoulders fall.

This wasn’t good at all.  

* * *

Training was hard. With the newfound realization of his maybe-crush, Yaku couldn’t stop staring at the younger boy. When they changed, as they warmed up, when the ball flew over his head and Lev tracked it with his eyes, tongue peeking out in concentration. When he grinned for a successful kill, and his eyes crinkled and teeth split his face in the most ridiculously happy and gorgeous expression. That happened a lot, too. When he stepped back and tried to crouch for a receive, muscles bending to follow his movement and- 

“Yaku, what the hell are you doing!” 

The libero blinked. Right. Ball. They had just lost a point he could’ve saved. 

If this had been a real match, that would’ve been a severe mistake. Cursing internally, he nodded at Kuroo and mumbled a weak apology, before bracing himself for the next serve. Two steps forward, slight bending at the knee, perfect catch, perfect pass to Inuoka - who proceeded to yell “GOT IT!”, then send ball on a horizontal line and directly out of the field.

Hiding his face in his hands and maybe never emerging again to see the light of day sounded like a very appealing option. 

* * *

His lessons went mainly fine, at least. He knew better than to lose time by thinking about his feelings and nonexistent love life instead of preparing for university - then again, he seemed to have a knack for thinking about the way Lev’s hair ruffled with his movements when he chased the ball exactly when he was about to be asked a question. He only saved himself half of the time. 

Honestly, screw crushes. They were a nuisance. A nuisance that felt very good, but still a nuisance.

“Yo, come. Roof lunch, team gathering,” Kuroo said, peeking into Yaku’s classroom, Kenma attached to his side and mute as always. With a nod and a cheerful ‘Incoming!’, he made to follow the captain, and ran straight into Lev. Or well, saw him in the hall, right in front of him.

Missing Lev in a crowd was impossible. No one else was as tall, or had that naturally silvery hair color. He was standing in front of a window, at the other end of the corridor, crouching to appear a smidge shorter, face lit up by a grin, cat-like ice eyes focused on a shorter girl talking.  

They looked so happy.

“Yaku,” Kuroo called, and the libero marched on, ignoring the slight burning in his chest as he walked right past the two kids and Lev greeted him as loudly as always.

On the rooftop, he forced himself to laugh at some joke he missed, and tried to drown the bile in his lunch. Screw crushes.

* * *

**Stage 3 - Bargaining:**

It took all of one week for Yaku to be himself again and be able to make sensible decisions. One week of glancing in the changing rooms when he was perfectly conscious that he really shouldn’t be looking at Lev in this complete lack of consent and decency, and one week of trying not to smile whenever Lev did. Most of all, one week of having lunch in his classroom, avoiding the younger, both to spare himself the embarrassment and to not see him flirting with the girl again.

It was shameful, really, that he was this affected by some stupid crush. He wasn’t twelve anymore.

It took him an entire week, but at the end of it, Yaku managed to make some sensible decisions and regain some of his self-respect.

Glancing when changing, he could occasionally allow himself to do. Not too much, heavens no, Lev was still a kid, and Yaku could be considered an adult in some countries. But just a little admiring. And, whenever he was alone, he could allow himself to have lovey-dovey fantasies about the other boy lying near him, their legs entangled, playing with each other’s hair. Lev laughing, his eyes sparkling because of him, because he was happy to be together. Like a comic.  

But it had to stop there, because the kid was too straight and too young, and, most importantly, his teammate. He couldn’t let his crush affect their gameplay - if he did, not only would Kuroo probably murder him, he would also murder himself for ruining their last year tournament. So he kept being as strict as ever, even though his heart fluttered each time Lev so much as looked at him, even though he could get lost in the boy’s focused expression, his stillness as he waited, and all the other things that were so  _ Lev _ they almost hurt.

But he didn’t get lost in all of that. He focused on the practice so much he started coming home with aching muscles again, and only then did he allow himself to admire Lev for a few moments, drown out the shame that inevitably overcame him as soon as he realized how pathetic that was, clear his thoughts, focus on school and the game, rinse and repeat. It was very, very fine, and his crush would pass. Until then, he would allow himself to be a little stupid, and one day things would be normal again.

* * *

**Stage 4 - Depression:**

It was very-very not fine, his crush hadn’t passed, he was still very stupid, and nothing was normal.

He still fantasized about holding hands and playing with the taller boy’s hair. Lev was still surrounded by an aura of glory and Yaku still heard angels screeching whenever the two of them were in the same room. Which happened to be quite often, because of course the world hated Yaku Morisuke like that.

It led to a lot of missed balls and even more yelling from Kuroo, Taketora, and sometimes even Lev himself. When a Thursday the Russian was about to shout in frustration, but opted to just sigh instead, Yaku almost decided that bashing his head in with the ball would’ve been the best course of action.

Except he didn’t do that, because everyone was watching, and Yaku was stupid but he still had a reputation.

“Hey, pull yourself together!” Kuroo shouted from the other side of the net, and the libero read the silent promise of a Talk after training in his eyes. 

_ Great. _

He managed to go the rest of the training without Lev-related distractions, except one instance in which he paused to think about how much Lev had improved since he arrived, in such little time. For all that he complained and griped, the kid was probably more determined than the rest of them put together, with maybe a couple of exceptions.

Even with that thought occupying his mind, he reacted in time and managed to not only save a stray serve, but also pass it perfectly for Kenma to toss. Taketora jumped, as always way too loud and enthusiastic, and they scored another point.

Good. 

As soon as the match ended, they put the equipment in place, and coach Nekomata declared them done for the day, Yaku found the Kuroo blocking the exit of the gym. 

A lot less good.

“Care for some milk and juice?” Kuroo smirked, innocent to anyone who might be onlooking and way too obvious to the libero. Yaku nodded, forcing a sigh down.

“Good,” Kuroo nodded, and oh-so-mercifully moved away from the exit to let Yaku get out, “Let’s go, I’ve been wanting my milk since lunch.”

The libero followed. He knew better than to try and make his escape.

* * *

In all honesty, Yaku would’ve sooner eaten his own hand than face this conversation, but Yaku also knew Kuroo, and defying every survival instinct to eat his own hand would’ve been actually more feasible than convincing Kuroo Tetsurou not to meddle in his private life - especially when his private life was influencing his game. Not that if he had been able to keep it outside the gym, Kuroo would’ve actually had mercy on him. Kuroo didn’t know the meaning of personal boundaries, or better, he didn’t really care.  

“Before you say anything, I’m not accepting your apology,” the captain said, interrupting his train of thought, and Yaku almost choked on his juice, “But I also know that telling you to get yourself together is kind of superfluous. Which brings me to point two, if you don’t stop beating yourself up, I’m bringing Taketora into this.”

This time, Yaku did choke on his juice.

“You wouldn’t-”

“Yeah, I definitely would. Give me some credit, would you? Now, why are you not asking the kid out instead of making us all suffer with your obvious pining? It’s annoying.”

“You know damn well why.” Yaku sipped on his juice maybe a bit too aggressively, and it almost went up his nose. He didn’t have to look to know that Kuroo was rolling his eyes.

“If it’s because you think he’s straight, I’m literally going to lock you in the closet with him.”

He didn’t- yeah. He did.

“Listen, I think we’re both close enough to being adults that we can recognize that most people are not queer like us. I know you’re not blind, you know he’s obviously into that girl from his class or whatever.”

“Are you for- oh,  _ gods _ , you’re for real. Listen, demon senpai, we all thought you were straight when you were dating Fuyumi from the girls’ team, and look how straight you actually turned out to be.”

“I’m out of this, Tetsurou.”

“Oh, let me guess, you’re not good enough for him, anyway, right?” Kuroo yelled after him, as Yaku walked on towards the station. He half expected Kuroo to follow and drop the conversation, if only because they had to both catch a train home - and yeah, of course he was right. Kuroo followed him, changing conversation topic after all of two minutes. They had really known each other too long.

They walked mostly in silence, except for Kuroo making the occasional remark about school, university, and the game - mainly the game - and Yaku answering with what started as grunts of affirmation and ended up being actual responses more akin to a conversation.

Lev was not mentioned until Yaku had stepped on his train.

“You’re going to have to talk to him, Morisuke,” Kuroo said, immediately after finishing a thought on the futility of repair classes.

“Seriously,” Yaku sighed, unable to hide a fond smile even while shaking his head, “for once in your life, stay out of my personal affairs.”

“No can do,” Kuroo grinned, even adding a wink in there for good measure, “I wouldn’t be the asshole captain, then.”

On that thought, the train doors closed, and Yaku was left alone to collapse on his seat.   

* * *

It wasn’t as if Kuroo was strictly wrong, but that made the whole situation even more infuriating. There wasn’t even a reason why he was so discouraged. Even if he ended up confessing his stupid feelings and Lev ended up realizing how immature and unlikeable Yaku was, he logically knew it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Then again, logic also dictated that he should’ve been able to talk himself into doing better than allowing himself to let this maybe-actually-crush carry on past day one.

Fluttering hearts and pooling heat be damned. It felt good, and that was literally the only reason he had been so stupid as to indulge in it. If he just told Lev everything and apologized, he could probably get rid of the problem quickly enough. If the kid ended up being uncomfortable around him, tough. Yaku was graduating in less than a year. He would survive.

When he got home, he greeted his mom with the most convincing smile he could manage, even though he realized it felt too weak even for him, and offered to help do the dishes after dinner. His only act of rebellion that night was going straight to bed afterwards, and ignoring his homework.

* * *

**Stage 5 - Acceptance:**

Kuroo would be brutally murdered during the night, that much Yaku was sure of. He pushed the doors again, for what must’ve been the eleventh time, but alas, they hadn’t magically unlocked, and still refused to buckle.

“I’m sorry.” Lev murmured, and Yaku discovered it was indeed possible to get even more pissed. It wasn’t the kid’s fault if their captain had decided to be childish and  _ actually _ lock them both in a broom closet.

_ A broom closet _ .

A freaking broom closet. People only got locked in broom closets in fiction.

Yaku scowled and kicked the door again, with only sharp pain shooting up his ankle to show as a result. He might or might have not forgotten all decency and released a stream of curses right in front of the kid.

“I’m sorry,” said kid murmured, from where he was crouching to make himself as small as possible - not that it was very far from where Yaku was. Broom closets were not the epitome of wide spaces, and all their limbs were touching in very uncomfortable ways. Before Yaku could ask why  _ he _ was sorry, or apologize for being rude, Lev hid his head in his knees and kept on mumbling. “I said something stupid to Kuroo-san and he closed us in because of that. I’ll talk to him.”

Yaku stopped his efforts to kick the door down and stared at the other boy. He looked positively mortified.

As if _ he _ was the one stuck in a closet with a boy he had a crush on.

_ Nah, Kuroo is playing a bad joke on both of us to humiliate me _ , he wanted to say, but he still had a semblance of pride, so he frowned at the younger member of the team instead. Of course, it came out wrong, and Lev only cowered more. “What did you say to him?”

There was an annoying lack of light, but Yaku was quite sure the Russian boy was blushing. “I…”

“You?”

“I just told him a thing, you know.” he mumbled, and Yaku could feel the Lev willing him not to inquire any further. And he didn’t, because unlike their captain, he was not a bastard who wanted to hurt his teammates, and unlike his captain, he had a shred of human decency.  

He kind of also had things to hide from Lev, anyways.

They spent at least five minutes in awkward silence. Yaku tried to burst the doors open once more, but they still didn’t budge. Whatever Kuroo had done, he had done a thorough job to embarrass them both.

“You know, since we’re here, I might just say the thing.” Lev stammered, voice much quieter than his usual boisterous tone. “The captain-he won’t let us go out anyway, right?”

“Then say the thing.” Yaku sighed. He was sure Kuroo would’ve let them out after an hour, but he didn’t really have the patience.  

Lev nodded and sucked a quick breath in.

“I like you.”

_ Oh. _

_ Wait. _

“Izumi?” he asked, mentally slapping himself for asking that first thing when Haiba Lev had just confessed to liking him back. Or liking him, Yaku supposed, since he couldn’t- whatever.

“Izumi? She… She was a middle school crush, I don’t like her like  _ that _ !”

“But you - you’re not straight?” he asked, and confirmed his conversational skills had dived faster than he did when he needed to save a point.

“I am, really!” Lev’s entire face and ears and neck had grown pretty freaking red, no denying it now. “I just like boys too. I mean, girls and boys. I like them both. And those who are not boys or girls, I don’t mind. I know it’s-”

“You’re pan.” Yaku whispered, and his chest felt lighter with that breath.

“And you… You like me?” he asked.

Lev held his gaze for all of three seconds before his eyes began shining and he ducked his head again, hiding his face in his arms. For a moment, Yaku was reminded of just how young the boy was. He was still a child, for Heaven’s sake.  

“Hey. I. I think I’d like to go out with you,” he blurted out, without having the time to think things through.

Oh, well. Lev had pinned him to the ground on a rooftop and they were currently trapped in a closet, coming out and confessing to each other. Might as well wing it now.

“Don’t do that,” Lev whimpered before he could say anything else. “I know I’m not supposed to talk like this, but I’m capable of managing my own emotions. I’m not that pitiable- senpai,” he added, almost an afterthought. He might not have been crying anymore, but his eyes were still too red for Yaku’s heart to function properly, knowing that somehow this wonderful boy was not only illusioned enough to have feelings for him, but to be hurt because of him- way too much for his heart. He had strongly suspected since birth that he might’ve had something in common with the Grinch, in having too small a heart, and right now, he could probably confirm that.

It was too much for him, and his heart fluttered so strongly, Yaku wondered how Lev couldn’t hear it in the enclosed space.

“I think I really want to go on a date. I’m serious. Ice cream? My treat, of course,” he suggested, trying not to smile. Smiling would have made Lev think he was being condescending, or worse, that Yaku had actually been pining after him all this time.

His reputation was going to be inevitably destroyed, but he wanted to conserve it for at least a while longer.  

“Please?” the libero insisted, and after a beat Lev nodded. His contagious smile was back immediately, and Yaku finally allowed himself to smile back. He couldn’t have stopped it anyways.

There was a rattle and a flood of lights as the doors flew open.

“Well, good for you. If this disrupts practice-”

“Screw you, Tetsurou.” Yaku flipped his middle finger, marching quickly past the captain and hiding a smirk at Lev’s indignated sputtering and Kuroo’s laughter.

He might have also had a bit of a skip in his step as he ran towards the locker room. Whatever. It was not as if he actually had any dignity left.

So maybe he did have a crush for Haiba Lev. Maybe even a bit more than a crush. It was not a problem.

He also knew a great ice cream place.

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: I initially read the request as YachiLev, and after wondering for all of five seconds where and _how_ they had ever interacted, I decided it didn't matter and they would be absolutely adorable. But then I realized it was YakuLev... oops. 
> 
> Don't forget to leave a kudos or a review, etcetera, etcetera (seriously though, please remember that you should feed your authors self-esteem so they can write more!) and if you want to talk about volleyball dorks, poke me anytime on Tumblr @thedeadliestlittleone.


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